Tons Puns Funs

1. The meaning of opaque is unclear.

2. I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.

3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

5. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

6. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.

7. It's a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.

8. It's not that the man couldn't juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

9. So what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not the end of the world.

10. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.

11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

12.. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.

14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

16. Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?

17. I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.

18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

20. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!

21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.

22. What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert? Synonym buns…

23. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

25. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.

These Simple Truths We Find Self-Evident

SIMPLE  TRUTH 1:

- Lovers help each other undress before sex.
- However after sex, they always dress on their own.
- Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:- When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say,"Congrats".
- But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
- Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:

1.  Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Bentley than on a bicycle.
2.  Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3.  If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4.  Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.  Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

BONUS TRUTH:
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Favorite Country Songs

Favorite Country Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country Western song is:

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

Bear Removal Strategy But Safety First

A homeowner in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on her roof. She looks in the yellow pages and finds an ad for "Albertan Bear Remover."

So she calls the number and a man says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got with him a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun and a mean looking pit bull terrier.

"How does this work? What are you going to do with all those?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof. Then I'm going to go up and I'll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat, and when the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to seize it by the testicles and not let go. The bear will gradually become subdued enough for me to lock him up in the cage in the back of the van."

Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"That's for you. If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Bank The Ring, Ring The Bank

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store in Beverly Hills last Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,

'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, 'There was only $25 in your account.'

'I know, said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

Siamese Twins, Travels And Travails

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, ""Don''t mind us; we're joined at the hip. I''m John. He''s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.""

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. ""Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month,"" says John. ""We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?""

Jim agrees.

Ah, England!" says the bartender. ""Wonderful country, the history, the beer, the culture!"

"Nah, we don't like any of that British crap,"" says John. ""Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that''s us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English. They''re so arrogant and rude; almost as bad as the French.""

"So why do you keep going to England?"" asks the bartender.

""It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.""

Giving Up Smoking, Drinking & Sex

A woman was told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wanted to get into heaven.

The woman said she would try her best.

The woman was asked a week later about how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in heaven".

The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either."

I Cannot Tell A Lie..... Oh S#![!

Once there was a little boy who lived with his family in the countryside.

The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing. Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

Little Johnny and "I Presume...."

Another gem from Little Johnny.

A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression , "I presume ..... ".

One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday , my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."

"Very good , " said the teacher.

Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."

"That's excellent , " says the teacher.

Little Johnny , at the back of the classroom , gets up and says: "Yesterday , I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bushes . I presume that……."

The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything.

Johnny says, "Please , Teacher, let me finish my sentence."

The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."

"As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bushes with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going to take a shit because he can't read."

Smart Cop Floored

A police officer called the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

Some Quick Old Jokes

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you continue to behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"
~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when your wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.

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Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our gardener ran away.

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A women asks a man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".

*********************************************************

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."

*********************************************************

Nominated as the best short joke this year...

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

Billy The (Fighter Pilot) Kid

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

 Little Billy says, "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel throughout Europe , an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

 The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with little Billy's response, decides not to acknowledge what he said and continues with the lesson.

 "And how about you, Sarah?"

 "I wanna be Billy's whore."

 

[It's a silly joke folks, don't get all worked out about it. Sent to me by a pilot friend.]

Cute Puzzle

Can you figure out what these seven words all have in common?

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try…. Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters…. Let me know if you found the answer!







Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send this to more people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.

Finally A Good Gun Story!

Finally, a good gun story.

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"

IRS Tax Form Denied

In response to the question, ... "Do you have anyone dependent on you?"

The man wrote:...

"11 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 450 idiots in Congress and a group that call themselves Politicians."

The IRS stated that the response he gave was "Unacceptable."

The man's response back to IRS was, ... "Who did I leave out?"

Later Gator

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees thinking his family would enjoy it.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

If You Love Word, Play (On Words)

Lexophile is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." 

Here's a few more......... 

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. 

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. 

The batteries were given out free of charge. 

A dentist and manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. 

A will is a dead giveaway. 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 

A boiled egg is hard to beat. 

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. 

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 

Guy who fell on a upholstery machine is now fully recovered. 

He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now. 

Those who get too big for their pants get exposed in the end. 

Solution To The Too Much Sex Problem

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired. His buddy says: Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (70+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit.

A CEO's Fine Art Collection

The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news."

The CEO replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million."

The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed! You've made my day. Now what is the bad news?"

The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary."

Three Blondes Want To Be Cops

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,

"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,

"This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses. " The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,

"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, ....he certainly can't wear glasses."