Essential Movies Facts

1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel
to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

2. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange
noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they
happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.

6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through
it before long.

7. If someone says, "I'll be right back", they won't.

8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say:
Enter Password Now.

9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or
ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock
when they come for a visit.

10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.

11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.

13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you
will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with
and hear the music in your head.

14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.

And last but not least:

15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.

Denmark's True American Election Insight

"We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here?"

The Bracelet at Tiffany's - After Breakfast?

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful
diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to
look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop
up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in
the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have
been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'S ir, what
is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
shit when I tell you the price.'

Good Girls Finish, Last?

The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named
Theodoro was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to
attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the
point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small
talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Theodoro reached for her and the rattling resumed. This
time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The
sex finally ended and, again, Theodoro smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to
him and softly said, "No"

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Theodoro reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his
strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming,
bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Theodoro fell
onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into
her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear. "No, I
Swedish."

Lost Lady

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store
and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed
store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his
entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was
approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
"Can you tell me how to get to1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to
that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this
alley.We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when
we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly
hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the Bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Happy Birthday To You, and You and You and You

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at
a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate
ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich
that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his
birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline company, then went to
flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the
company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that
he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
Universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:
A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for
the Successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame...What a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks
ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand
new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

Foot-boggling

Not a joke. But, interesting.

How smart is Your Right Foot ?

Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon.

This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over
again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's
preprogrammed In your brain!

1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer,
lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it! Before the day
is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

Unbearable Wordplay

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana. He bangs on the bar with
his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in
bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer
to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm
going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Exercise & Lifting Weights For Senior Citizens

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE around 60 ...

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out
from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that
you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb
potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.

Sex, Deaf But Not Dumb

This joke is R-rated.

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the
lights out since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings,
the wife figures out a solution. She writes, "Honey, why don't we
agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to
have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If
you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two
times."

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if
she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one
time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred
and fifty times.

Quick Moving STD?

Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve's Astra van when
suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh fat boy,
whip me, whip me!"

Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did
not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens
the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona
until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping
session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The
doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks
having sex?"

Fiona a little embarrassed that she has slept with Steve, let alone
that she allowed the kinky bastard to whip her, but eventually admits
that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because
in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial
disease that I've ever seen."

Pretzel Hold Escape

A Russian and a Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the
Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and
said, 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does,
you're finished'.

The Newfie nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Newfie and the Russian circled each other
several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian
lunged forward, grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up in the dreaded
pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the
trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He
couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the
trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up
in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander
collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he
asked, 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it
before!'

The wrestler answered, 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in
that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair
of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with
my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies
just as hard as I could.'

'So,' the trainer exclaimed, 'That's what finished him off!'

'Not really.' said the Newfie 'You'd be amazed how strongly you react
when you bite your own balls.'

Gorillas (And The Man) In Our Midst

A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a beautiful female, became very
difficult to handle.

Upon examination the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The
gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla
available.

Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby Lee
Walton a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal
cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
female gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest but said he
would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day he announced that he would accept their offer but
only under four conditions. "First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna
kiss her on the lips."

The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."

The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern
Baptist." Once again, it was agreed.

"And lastly," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with
the $500.00."

The Holy E-Mail

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent
the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a
second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The
Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good,
because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something
to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said? No? Okay, I was just wondering,
because I didn't get one either........

The "Two Cow Explanation" Of What Makes...

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to
your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it
to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty
for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows,
forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you
voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your
neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you
the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you
to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign
country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a
bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes
them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then
pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force
the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the
cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they
are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they
live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where
they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn
you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting
cows and open another bottle of vodka.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't
know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you.
You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a
partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows,
and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

Life Without The Movies?

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies.

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If they're villains, they will probably speak with an English accent.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
 

Like Peaches In A Pod

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went
before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied,... "a can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she said that she was
hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She
answered, "6."

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

But, before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the
woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

"What is it?" the judge asked.

The husband said... "She also stole a can of peas."

Rubber Gloves - Great Dip

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of
latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into
boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

The Way The Government Really Works

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White
House in D.C.; one from New Jersey , another from Tennessee and the
third, from Florida . They go with a White House official to examine
the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I
figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my
crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my
crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
the White House official and whispers, "$2,700"

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the
other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you,
and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

I Hear Someone Coming!

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next
to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's
go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my
butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered ... "Outside, when you said you
heard someone coming.... that was me."