Quick Moving STD?

Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve's Astra van when
suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh fat boy,
whip me, whip me!"

Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did
not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens
the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona
until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping
session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The
doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks
having sex?"

Fiona a little embarrassed that she has slept with Steve, let alone
that she allowed the kinky bastard to whip her, but eventually admits
that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because
in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial
disease that I've ever seen."

Pretzel Hold Escape

A Russian and a Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the
Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and
said, 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does,
you're finished'.

The Newfie nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Newfie and the Russian circled each other
several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian
lunged forward, grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up in the dreaded
pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the
trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He
couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the
trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up
in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander
collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he
asked, 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it
before!'

The wrestler answered, 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in
that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair
of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with
my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies
just as hard as I could.'

'So,' the trainer exclaimed, 'That's what finished him off!'

'Not really.' said the Newfie 'You'd be amazed how strongly you react
when you bite your own balls.'

Gorillas (And The Man) In Our Midst

A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a beautiful female, became very
difficult to handle.

Upon examination the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The
gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla
available.

Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of Bobby Lee
Walton a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal
cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
female gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest but said he
would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day he announced that he would accept their offer but
only under four conditions. "First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna
kiss her on the lips."

The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."

The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern
Baptist." Once again, it was agreed.

"And lastly," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with
the $500.00."

The Holy E-Mail

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent
the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a
second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The
Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good,
because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something
to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said? No? Okay, I was just wondering,
because I didn't get one either........

The "Two Cow Explanation" Of What Makes...

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to
your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it
to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty
for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows,
forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you
voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your
neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you
the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you
to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign
country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a
bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes
them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then
pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force
the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the
cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they
are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they
live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where
they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn
you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting
cows and open another bottle of vodka.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't
know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you.
You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a
partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows,
and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

Life Without The Movies?

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies.

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If they're villains, they will probably speak with an English accent.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
 

Like Peaches In A Pod

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went
before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied,... "a can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she said that she was
hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She
answered, "6."

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

But, before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the
woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

"What is it?" the judge asked.

The husband said... "She also stole a can of peas."

Rubber Gloves - Great Dip

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of
latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into
boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

The Way The Government Really Works

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White
House in D.C.; one from New Jersey , another from Tennessee and the
third, from Florida . They go with a White House official to examine
the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I
figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my
crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my
crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
the White House official and whispers, "$2,700"

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the
other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you,
and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

I Hear Someone Coming!

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next
to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's
go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my
butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered ... "Outside, when you said you
heard someone coming.... that was me."

West Virginia Domestic Problem

Bob walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a
sheep, you idiot."

Bob says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

Shape Matters - Important Men's Health Study

In 1991, University of Kentucky funded a study to see why the head of
a man's penis was larger than the shaft.

After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head
was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the University of Kentucky published the study, Ohio State
University decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years
of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more
pleasure during sex.

The University of West Virginia, unsatisfied with these findings,
spent $13.27 (for a Playboy, a Penthouse, and a case of Old Milwaukee)
and concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and
hitting him in the forehead.

Lawyers Cost An Arm & A Leg

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in
front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got
out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off
the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the
accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But,
before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked
up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the
same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how materialistic you
lawyers are,' he said. 'You are so focused on your possessions that
you neglect the most important things in life.'

'How can you say such a thing?' asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, 'Don't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!'

'OH, MY GOD!' screamed the lawyer. 'MY ROLEX!'

You Must Be A Member of the Taliban

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to
beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you
can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider Jews
"unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives
in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your
cave."

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at
least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Easy Rider, Hard Ride

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of
Texas when her car broke down ..an Indian on horse back came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off . The ride
was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian let out a
whoop so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town , he let her off at the local service
station, yelled one final "yahoo ," and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited ?"asked the service
station attendant?

"Nothing ," shrugged the woman ," I merely sat behind him on the
horse, put my arms around his waist, and held on to his saddle horn so
I wouldn't fall off."

" Lady," the attendant said , " Indians ride bareback."

Great... Men Turn-downs!

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

FORWARD TO WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS
(and men who may appreciate good humor)

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Churchill

Very Social Welfare

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi! I hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have
a job."

The clerk behind the welfare desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The welfare clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

Moving to Nevada

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada .. I heard prostitutes there get
paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too. I
want to see how you live on $800 a year.'

Catholic Horse Racing

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly
losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the
track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the
4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.
Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the 5th race
horses lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the
horses Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on
the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the
priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse
the priest would bless for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch
was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses,
and they always came in first.

Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he
knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop
at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing
that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the
last race, a stakes race were owners wish to sell their horses, and
blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.

Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found
the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you
blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he
lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you
Protestants -- you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing
and the Last Rites."

Dumb Like A Fox?

Many years ago, a young boy entered a barber shop, and the barber
whispered to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world.
Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber put a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other
then called the boy over and asked, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy took the quarters and left. "What did I tell you?" said the
barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer left, he saw the same young boy coming out of
the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you
take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the
dollar, the game's over!"