Moving to Nevada

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada .. I heard prostitutes there get
paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too. I
want to see how you live on $800 a year.'

Catholic Horse Racing

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly
losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the
track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the
4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.
Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the 5th race
horses lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the
horses Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on
the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the
priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse
the priest would bless for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch
was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses,
and they always came in first.

Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he
knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop
at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing
that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the
last race, a stakes race were owners wish to sell their horses, and
blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.

Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found
the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you
blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he
lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you
Protestants -- you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing
and the Last Rites."

Dumb Like A Fox?

Many years ago, a young boy entered a barber shop, and the barber
whispered to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world.
Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber put a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other
then called the boy over and asked, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy took the quarters and left. "What did I tell you?" said the
barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer left, he saw the same young boy coming out of
the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you
take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the
dollar, the game's over!"

David Letterman in Trouble

Got this in email. It's meant to be funny, not racist, as there are
plenty of similar jokes about other groups.
--
I'll bet Dave Letterman does get some "flak" from the NAACP. Al
Sharpton and the Rev Jackson will go nuts!!!

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same
time!
#6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out and run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR..............

#1 -They can't wear their helmets sideways.

Forgetfulness

Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells, "Was I going up the
stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful."

She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells "I'll come up and
help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

New political medical "condition"

Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.  (Not curable by Votegra)

 

Rabbi's Vacation

A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by
sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful, nude girl
lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi... I'm a little something extra
that the president of the board paid for!"

The rabbi is incensed! He picks up the phone, calls the board
president and says, "Greenberg, where is your respect? I am the moral
leader of our community! As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."

The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The rabbi turns to her and
says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

60,70,80

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year old man. "You
always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there
and nothing comes out.

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old man. "When you're seventy,
you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat
bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

" Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all,"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and
crap every morning at 6:30. So, what's so bad about being 80?"

" I don't wake up until 7:00."

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they
were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned
on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at
him, 'how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll
explain the toy . . . when you explain the kids.'

If You Have An MBA, Do You Do This?

1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's 'core competencies'
are.
2. You decide to "re-org" your family into a "team-based
organization."
3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
4. You can spell "paradigm."
5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
6. You understand your airline's fare structure.
7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
8. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
9. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page
presentation with six other people you don't know.
10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a
performance review.
11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just
"issues and improvement opportunities".
12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of
yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt".
14. You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-
line".
15. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-
engineering", "down-sizing", and "right-sizing".
16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.
17. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives
late.
18. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."
19. You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."
20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
21. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
22. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to
comprehend.
23. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead
of an expense.
24. You insist that you do some more market research -- before you
do your spouse produces another child.
25. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency
meeting about their brand equity.
26. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid
bills.
27. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
28. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and
Internet connection.
29. You give constructive feedback to your dog.
30. You try to prioritize this list based on cost-benefit analysis
before you email it out.

Newfie Clinic

A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant.

'Garge, I am goin huntin tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I
want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Garge.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So,
Garge, how was your day?'

Garge told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had
a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says
Garge.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks
the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman
enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything
including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table. She
spreads her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen
any man!'

'Tunderin' Lard Jayzus, Garge, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

Philosophy of Ambiguity

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS
AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE
BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-
HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,
IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE
WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD
SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGE-BRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME
DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Editorial Comment: Are these from the brilliant mind of George Carlin?

Idiot Sightings - Various Reports

Be Careful Out There:

IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears
repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a
"large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said
that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I
responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four
is larger than two.."

We haven't used Sears repair since.
=========================================

IDIOT SIGHTING My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out
window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also
handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said,
"Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back."
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my
request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're
sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then
proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
======================================

IDIOT SIGHTING : I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many
deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good
place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS
=======================================

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for
"minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg
lettuce.

From Kansas City
==========================================

IDIOT SIGHTING : I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage
without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my
knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's
why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
===========================================

IDIOT SIGHTING : The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to
cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged
coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
=======================================

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker.
She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another
word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-
the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
========================================

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip
back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why
her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
======================================

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked
in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered
that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its
open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they
REPRODUCE. One of these types got elected President!

A Moral? Amoral? A Story

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish. A leading local Republican conservative politician and
member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and
give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest
decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The
very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his
way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from
his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs,
and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I
knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to
a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest
arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the
first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE.

The Flying Nun

A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines
that tells your fortune and thought to herself, "I'll give it a try
and see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her
nickel in. out came a card that read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128
lbs, and you are going to Chicago."

The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably
gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it the
more curious she got so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came
a card that read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to
Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun says to herself, "I know that is wrong, I have never played a
musical instrument even once in my life." She sat back down.

From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his
fiddle case on the seat between them. without thinking, she opened the
cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.

Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine,
thinking, "This is incredible, I've got to try this again."

Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card
came out. it read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to
Chicago and you are going to break wind."

Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself, "I've
never broken wind in public a single time in my life."

But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining
to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. she
said to herself, "This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again."

She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card
came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you have fiddled
and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

Most Wives Don't Think These Are Funny

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for
an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

--------------------------------------------------------

Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes and no."

--------------------------------------------------------

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can
there be greater than this one?"

--------------------------------------------------------

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER
WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face
or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of
humor".

--------------------------------------------------------

BEFORE MARRIAGE

Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."

Romantic Challenges

Bob and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Bob was looking really down in
the dumps.

"What's the matter?" Bill asked.

"I don't get it," Bob sighed. "The dating scene is so confusing. There
are so many damn people you have to please. Like this one woman, she
liked me, her mom liked me, but her father hated me. Then there was
this other woman, both of her parents really liked me, but SHE didn't
like me. And then there was this woman I met last night. She
absolutely loved me, her parents seemed to really like me too, BUT her
husband couldn't stand me!"

Black Magic - A Little Experiment

A Florida couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an
African black bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his
penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight
stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-
weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a
weight to his
penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little
tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."

Puzzled Blonde

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then,'" he sighed, "let's put all the Frosted
Flakes back in the box."

Eukanuba Dog Food Diet

I was buying a large bag of Eukanuba (Dog Food) at Pick and Pay and
standing in line at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Eukanuba Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 48.5-lbs before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with Eukanuba nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to
mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid idiot...why else would I buy dog food??